i don't know WHY its taken me THIS long to settle this... but what the hey. my heart's at rest, and i'm feeling quite peaceful.
its the death of something that never had the right to be born anyway. and though that sounds depressing, its not... coz i'm no longer uncertain. ;)
"wag nang paikutin ang isa't isa
lahat ng bagay ay malinaw na
di na rin kailangan pagpilitan pa
di mo na kinakailangan pang magsalita
nakita ko na lahat ito
pinahihiwatig ng mata mo
salamat na lamang sayo
ohhhhhhh..."
-Mojofly's Mata Mo
we were supposed to watch a movie with ate but it was traffic in white plains so we just went to big r and ate at mcdo [as i requested/begged].
mwahaha... i'm so perky right now coz i was able to gobble up the following:
double cheese burger
twister fries
caramel sundae
six pieces chicken nuggets
large coke
mwahaha...
meekah's back!
stuck inside the house on a friday w/o classes. does my life suck or what?? my 'kada was supposed to go out today to celebrate andy's birthday, but due to unforeseen circumstances--to any of which we have no control over--the 'outing' had to be cancelled. andy was not feeling well at all yesterday so... there. no use celebrating the birthday of someone real sick.
aww... was really depressed and pissed yesterday. but i kinda feel better now... last night, chelly called, and she helped me get over things... but still...
i've just been SO looking forward to today's trip with the barkada and when i found out that it was cancelled all the perkiness just... flowed right out me. [sigh] i just miss my friends so much. though we get to see each other every single day in school, we don't spend much time together. inna and i have meetings all day long, tasia and nica have to attend to their own committees, myky would usually rather go with the bffs, and andy and celine just kinda hang in there...
and then there was that issue with the medical dental thing. argh... i got pissed coz it seems as if the teachers don't give a damn that we're also in 'full throttle mode' with the preparations for the juniors' night [which by the way, and i'm not at all sorry to say this, is muchos more difficult to prepare than the legacy. <<== ookay, i'm talking bull i know, since i have yet to experience the pains and woes of a fourth year student, but what the hey! fit of all too RIGHTEOUS indignation]. aah.. they just dump this activity on us. and the thing is, ms. babeth actually VOLUNTEERED our year level for this, and i just SO know that she won't really give much of damn about the preparations part since... ack... she's not good at organizing things. [i am SO mean].
but then again, [as pointed out by lorra yesterday] this is but a small sacrifice. we were allowed to carry on with the juniors' night, and if that means that we have to organize a really really complicated and crucial event [which supposedly, the SENIORS were to organize]... then fine. bright it on, luv, we can handle anything coz we rock.
oh god oh god oh god... i am so gonna fail at everything...
not only do i NOT know anything connected to the medical dental mission [since the last time i actually got 'involved' in this was back in my grade school days], i also don't think i can handle added responsibilities. but still... i'm willing to try. urgh... got really embarassed and sorta hurt when lorra mentioned that she could just take care of the whole thing [instead of me]. haay... parang its a huge affirmation of the fact that i suck, i don't have experience therefore i will only make an awful mull of things, and that i don't rock.......
haay... drama queen talaga ako. i know i should be happy that lorra's volunteering for this... i mean, this is 'de-loading' [<< ms angeles' word] right? pero... wala lang... i'm the batch rep, so this is my job. its just shameful and totally embarassing... that i have to pass it on to another person. arghh...
*change topic*
was supposed to go out with celine, steph, and nica today -- go tah glorietta, eat, watch a movie, have fun, meet celine's prospective prom date... but mutti wouldn't let me go. for some INSANELY covert reason... they wouldn't allow me to go! and its just so freakin' frustrating coz other kidlets... they're allowed to go where ever they want to, do anything they want to, drink anything, say anything, be with anyone... and these kidlets don't give a damn about their grades, responsibilities as a student, as a daughter, etcetera, etcetera. I TRY. i try to do everything that i could... god damn it, I TRY TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER. but i guess i'll never be able to satisfy 'em or meet their standards. in mutti and vatti's eyes, i'm just a psychotic misfit rebel black sheep that deserves to be locked up in a tower with other mentally mad persons. it doesn't matter that i have damn good grades, or that i don't have any vices... nah... i'm STILL the worst thing that ever happened to them. i am the plague... and as their looks and glances say in defeaning volumes: ISA AKONG WALANG KWENTANG ANAK.
[head over feet - alanis morissette]
1 more year, dudes... just one last year... then when i get to college i can just fuck up my life... become the ganja-loving-stoned-at-all-times-drunk-at-all-times-daughter my parents think i am. i'm gonna smoke til my lungs disintegrate into two pitiful lumps of ash, drink til my liver turns purple, and participate in sessions til all my neurons disappear. hand me a cocktail darling! we're gonna go ALL OUT!
i'm tired of being the goodie-goodie-contrite-stuck-up-bitch. for once, i'm gonna act like a selfish adolescent--self centered, sabog, at walang patutunguhan sa buhay.
don't get me wrong... i know my parents love me. and i love them just as much. [ho common! do you think i'll bleed my neurons dry for nothing?!] its just that... they don't understand. i'm different... from my sister... i go out, i have a social life, i wanna party, i wanna rave and rant and scream my lungs out together with a thousand other angry people in a gig...
[sigh]
one more year...
here's to the good times.
<10:30>
"What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means(I'm not okay)..."-My Chemical Romance's I'm Not Okay [I Promise]
ate giving me a smooch. i miss her... 
i miss this lil crazy ass! [still remember the 4 long hours we spent looking for his nonexistent blue toy car.] rafaeeeeLLL!! hope you're doin ayt dearest. love youu! :)
must remain optimistic.
BWAHAHAHA.
i am happee.
baw.
urgh. feeling so stressed out and pressured and inferior AGAIN.
hrm...
hindi na kami tutuloy tomorrow sa nature's camp and eastwood. g'damn'it. i've been lookin forward to this trip all week and then... hayuun... hwala na...
arg!!!!!!!! c-a-n'-t r-e-a-l-l-y e-x-p-r-e-s-s m'-s-e-l-f right now...!!! too frustrated and pissed and freaked out and depressed and just feeling really shite-y right now.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh... waaah.
*veins popping* *heart plummeting* *world shatters* *it all ends right now*
"The lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead singing"
-Cold Play's 'Clocks'
SPLIFF MOMENT! dream date = jamiroquai. damn, this guy's hot. tss!
haven't had the chance to edit this thing since i only scanned it a few milliseconds ago. my photo editor keeps on hanging every time i try to open this [guess the image's too big]. in any case... here are some of our pre-prom pics [2 top photos]; below are our soph night pics. grabe... ang dami pa lang pwedeng magbago in a span of 12 months. deymn. don't mind the little midget in the blue halter top and white skirt. yeah, she's fugly nuoh? mwahaha. oh well, i've had worse...
haay. at least now i only have to study for algeb. one test tah go before we all reclaim our freedom!!! mwahaha... soooo excited. can't wait til friday ==>> NO CLASSES BaYBeh! :))
supposed itinerary for friday:
after lunch...
wall climbing & swimmin' [ooh! excited shmited!] @ nature's camp
badminton/paintball ==>> no venue pa rin
karaoke [my best friend's wedding bah itoh?! :)) ] & dinner @ eastwood
waah! can't wait!!!!!
"Which of the standard lines will we use?
I've been meaning to call you
I've just been so busy
We'll catch up soon
Lets make it a point to...
But your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours
And i starve
starve for you
But this new diets liquid
And dulling to the senses
And its crude
But it will do..."
-Dashboard Confessional's 'Hope You're Happy'
2. the last tv show you watched?-- gata sal vaje. don't look at me, mum had the remote. [seriously, she needs to get a job, coz she's starting to become a professional stereotype house mother. eew...]
3. the last song you heard?-- game ka na ba opening theme. if you can consider THAT a song.
4. the last thing you bought?-- fewd.
5. the last place you went?-- school
6. the last food you ate?-- cat fish and rice
7. the last thing you heard from your parents? -- "last episodes na kasi eh." -mutti, trying to explain why she's watching such a lame show.
8. the last thing you said to your parents?-- "eew."
9. the last thing you said to one of your friends? -- "bye bye. *mwah*"
10. the last thing you read?-- kasiyahan ng isang titser. a really really lame short story we had to read for our pnoy qt.
Who was:
1. the last person you called? --stephie
2. the last person who called you?-- chelly
3. the last person you texted? -- hrrm
4. the last person who texted you?-- chelly
5. the last person who said good night last night?-- ate cheska
6. the last person who said I love you?-- mutti.
7. the last person who gave you a testimonial?-- aliana ceds :)
8. the last person who sent you a msg?> -- saan?
9. the last person you hugged?-- talia.
10. the last person you saw on tv?...?-- kris aquino. sadly.
11. Do you believe that love is forever? -- yuf
12 Do you get hurt by people easily? -- yuf. i'm a drama queen. mwahaha.
13 Do you believe that all people are generally -- ? not that bad.
14 Can you be anyone you want to be?> -- if i work hard enough. maybe...
15 Do mean people make you sad?-- they make me feel... disappointed
16 Does ice cream make you happy? -- inexplicably so.
17 Do you sing in the shower?-- yuf. can't resist, ganda ng acoustics eh :))
18. When it rains, do you like to splash in the puddles?-- not in the philippines... :))
19. If you see a pretty girl/boy walk down the street, do you smile and tell him/her, he/she's pretty?-- not in his/her face
20.Do you notice when people have pretty eyes? -- oh yeah
21 Have you ever cried at a movie? -- haha, yuf.
22. Is it cute when two people are holding hands? -- uhm... most of the time ;)
23 Are you a happy person?-- by nature or by situation? ;p
24. Do you tend not to worry, even when you know something bad is about to happen? - i'm a worry wart!
25.Have you ever laughed so hard your stomach hurt?-- pagkasama fudge, all the time pare.
26. when?-- yesterdayy??
27. Are you slightly lazy?-- i'm a self proclaimed sloth
28.If you have twenty dollars, are you rich?> -- if you convert it into pesos...
TOP 5
Favorite songs(current favorites:)
1. blue and yellow - the used
2. extraordinary - liz phair
3. as lovers go by - dashboard confessional
4. your house - alanis morissette
5. love alone - caedmon's call
TOP 5 Foods
1. sushi & sashimi
2. salpicao
3. mcdo double cheese burger
4. mcdo chicken nuggets
5. taco bell nachos
TOP 5 Drink
1. tuubeeg
2. jasmine tea
3. caramel macchiato
4. vatti's brew [sunday coffee!!]
5. iced tea
TOP 5 people you miss
1. avin & steven
2. 'kada
3. ate cheska
4. exec com
5. II-2
i just want to know for certain whether or not may patutunguhan itong kabagayang ito... coz if wala... why waste time, g'dammeet? oh wait. i've decided na pala. its time to let go. like kate hudson said in "how to loose a guy in ten days," you can never loose something you didn't have in the first place.
mwahaha... 've been acting really strange lately. the "currently mulling over suicidal thoughts" option box keeps on lighting up in the dark corners of my mind. mwahaha. loser with a capital L.
ooh shoot, i forgot, i promised chelly that i'd call her up!! ergg... will make it up to her tomorrow. :(
argh... i'm so gonna fail my tests tomorrow. just skimmed over my notes in pnoy and reviewed some numbers in geom. argh... tensai meekah can't focus.
missing a certain faggot. mwahaha. hope he's doing ayt. *mwah* to him. dude, i miss you na so much. haven't seen you in ages!!! kamusta ka na kaya? mergwazkie. hope you're not gay, coz that'll just be pathetic... i've been pining for you for aeons... and you turn out to be a homo?? not fair. mwahaha. [nothing against the third sex though. you guys rock ;p]
dad's watching the indian channel... he's got a big smile on his face.... ookay... looks like he n mutti are gonna get laid tonight. *yuck*
things i'd love to do before i pass on to the farplane:
1. meet tankian and malakian of soad
2. travel all over the globe ala lonely planet style
3. eat a million pounds of jap pastries *yum-yum*
4. become an award winning actress-slash-script writer [yeh roight]
5. meet someone special
6. become a really really faitful christian
7. assasinate the current president of the us of a. [terrorist pig!!]
8. go to bora with my barkada
9. get in to UP
10. make my 'rents proud.
aaw... i'm so lame. mwahaha. and i am so stoned. yeah, astro cigarettes! swabe talaga!
ookay... dad's watching the jap channel now. lotsa dead guys hanging out in the back ground... whatever happened to wholesome family tv?
"what i don't understand,
is why i'm feeling so bad now,
when i know that it was my idea...
why am i the only one standing,
stranded on the same ground?"
-kitchie nadal's "same ground"
Patient's ID Number: 007400
Case ID: 7400DG
Patient's Name: Enriquez, Giselle Mikhaela Crisostomo
Data Admitted: 012405
Diagnosed with the following Neurotic and Psychotic Disorders:
1. Neurasthenia: unable to cope with emotional conflicts; suffers extreme fatigue and lack of sleep despite the inexistence of evident physiological factors
2. Manic Depression: experiences extreme variation in mood beyond what is considered normal; extremely suicidal
3. Ergaslophobia: has a morbid aversion to work
4. Multiple Personality or Dissociative disorder: experiences frequent disturbances in the normal integration of awareness of identity, consciousness, memory, and control of body movementsDate of Release: 022505
***
that's probably how my epitaph will read, or what the doctor would say in my eulogy. the funeral service will be entirely business-like. very scientific. no personal mumbo jumbo in between.
[sigh]
tasia cried today.
i feel so bad. i think, partly, its my fault why she's fed up with monsieur inches. i keep on telling her that monsieur [what alias should we give him? ah,] meatchopper is muchos better and worth it.
[sigh]
==>>crest of today's wave:
*celie-chans in love! and guess what, monsieur [erm...] super model loves her right back. :) there's still something good left in the world.
[sigh]
"Hold me..."
-Puppets and Clowns by the Greyhoundz
sadly, i haven't lost my mind yet. give me a few nanoseconds, then come back and eviscerate me.
the sinking feeling's STILL there.
ever since that fatefully crappy morning after, the feeling hasn't subsided or died down. in the past weeks it has only escalated, the gnawing... numbing my whole body into a state of raw emptiness, leaving me reeling, fazed... left with nothing but a terrible and tragic sense of loss.
loss of what?
hoh mann...
i'm sad.
again.
how long will THIS fit of depression last THIS time around?
...denggit.
"I'm drowning slowly, off the coast,
and I'm headed nowhere..."
-Ben Folds Five, 'Brick'
Kaikei: [storms in from a door] Lakshamana! Lakshamana! Where is Lakshamana?!
Lakshamana: [emerging from somewhere] I’m right here. What do you want?
Kaikei: [glares at him from head to toe; slaps him hard] How could you let your self be manipulated by a woman?! And I thought you were smart!
Lakshamana: What the hell do you mean?! That hurt you know?!
Kaikei: How could you let that Sita do all those disgusting things?! How could you allow her to go out in the middle of the night?! How could you have let her go?!
Lakshamana: [shocked] …You knew?
Kaikei: [sarcastic, mocking] You knew?! Of course I knew! From the day she first went to the Greek encampment to the moment she told you she was leaving for good, I was watching! I could not believe my eyes… my own brother, the supposed savior of Ayodyha, threw away our kingdom’s salvation!
Lakshamana: Threw away Ayodyha’s salvation?! Our kingdom’s salvation?! [pause] All my life people have drilled into my head that I’m the savior, I have to do my best to liberate our kingdom from the drought… People keep on pestering and pressuring me to do things! I’m not a God! I’m sick of it all!
Kaikei: AT least they TALK TO YOU. [she starts crying] From the day I was born everybody in this kingdom made me feel unwanted, unwelcome… rejected. Nobody showed the slightest bit of love or care towards my being. How the hell do you think I feel? I grew up lonely, and desolate… I grew up without a father or a mother or anyone else! And you’re complaining that they adore you too much?!
Lakshamana: Sister…
Kaikei: We all have a role to play in this life, Lakshamana. And whether you like it or not, you have to play the role given to you. And that role is to save our kingdom by marrying another. [pause] Why? Why did you let her go?!
Lakshamana: Can’t you get it?! Sita does not love me! [silence; long pause] She doesn’t love me, she never has, and she never will. She thinks of me as a friend, nothing more, and that is enough for me. I have accepted that fact, and I have learned to live with it. [pause] I am prepared to sacrifice and give up every single thing that I have under my possession for her happiness. I love her that much.
Kaikei: What about the people’s happiness Lakshamana? Have you forgotten all about that?! I don’t care how you feel, or how Sita feels. There will be a wedding tomorrow night, I swear to the Gods, by the end of this week you will be married.
Lakshamana: Sita is gone.
Kaikei: Lucky you, I brought her back. Along with her revolting lover who’s being tortured for information as we speak.
Lakshamana: [grabs her by the shoulders] Have you lost your wits?! The Greeks will know about this! They’ll attack our kingdom, and at or current state we’ll lose!
Kaikei: Let them come, I have no care as to what happens anymore.
Lakshamana: That’s it! I am relieving you of your position of power! I, Prince Lakshamana am the rightful heir to the throne of Ayodyha, and from this moment on I shall be known as its emperor! You have done enough damage Kaikei.
Kaikei: But you cannot do this! I AM THE EMPRESS! AND WHAT I SAY IS THE LAW!
Lakshamana: Not anymore. Guards! [soldiers come in and take her away]
Kaikei: Lakshamana?! Lakshamana?! Where are they taking me?! You ingrate! I only wanted you to end up with the woman you loved. Can’t you see that? Lakshamana?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lakshamana: Oh, Kaikei greed, and power have poisoned your mind.
watchin' fave show, The Simpsons. classic comedy. can't help but feel better after hearing lines like: "[middle aged gay guy says to Lisa Simpson] Oh Lisa, I swear, if I were an 8 year old straight boy, I'd SO be holding your hand right now." mwahaha. anlabo.
BIG smile on meekah's face. :) homer makes meekah effin' happee.
tried to stay up all night to finish jane eyre coz SOMEBODY said that we were gonna have a quiz about chaps 33 to 38. [turns out that we don't] woke up at quarter to six coz ate had to take a bath early. found out that our groupmate's idea of "compilling" and "creating" a "newsletter" was to take a few sheets of bondpaper and staple 'em together. [nice] had a crappy audition coz allowed myself to be upstaged, grr...
so i came home feeling a hundred percent shite-y. and when i feel effin' depressed there are only TWO things that can make me happy: food, and senseless television programs.
merienda comprised of the following viands:
strawberry ice cream from FIC
movie butter popcorn
tons of water [at least i tried to flush all the toxic down]
and while i munched away on my all too unhealthy diet, i watched a rerun of Ally Mcbeal, and an episode of The Simpsons. gawd. matt groening is just... a genius. grabe, couldn't help but smile while watching the show.
i've missed just chillin' out like this. mwahaha. feels real good.
was able to talk to chelly-friend a while ago. miss her a lot too, though we get to talk on the phone almost every day. [yeah dude, di na ako bumili ng cheese ring sa kapitbahay coz i was too lazy to exercise my fat ass] haay... and i miss the tropa to, though we sorta see each other everyday.
mergwawah! qt week na! still have no project for geom. ohwell... hopefully i'll get it done by monday. ;)
precious moments of the day:
>watching The Simpsons while piggin; out on extremely junky food
>FINALLY getting the printed circular for the prom. whopee!
"It's the smiling on the package
It's the faces in the sand
It's the thought that holds you upwards
Embracing me with two hands"
-'Evil' by Interpol [one of the most eerily lovely songs i've had the pleasure of hearing. Rosemary... heaven restores you in life...]
the world constantly rams shite down our throats.
you can either throw up, and make a bigger mess out of things,
or you can just gulp it all down in one big swallow, and end things your way.
think about it.
apparently, the note attached to the outer portion of the pink envelope i asked her to hand to nikki had been unintentionally removed. so there's a huge chance that nikki does not know what to do with the pink envelope, ergo the ip not reaching my group, and the other reminders not reaching corresponding people-to-remind.
sigh...
hoping for the best right now.
in an hour, i'll know. if the envelope ever left nikki's hands anyway.
after mum shook me to temporary consciousness, i snuggled back in bed. it was already 9 o'clock when next i opened my eyes.
i was awakened by the sound of the phone ringing.
first thought that came to my mind: ...this cannot be!
and then: ...oh my gulay, may phone and internet na ulit!!
seems like the guys down in PLDT finally hauled their asses up here to fix our phone lines. hallelujah. hrrm... still not a hundred percent robust. feeling a bit naseous, and i constantly want to throw up. temperature's gone down to a thirty seven. [sigh]
've been in my room for the most part of the day. just sleeping and resting, and occasionally sitting up to drink water or my meds. ugh. being sick can be fun [coz you get to be absent] but when you're a 16 year old third year student with a lotta responsibilities, it sorta brings about chilling bouts of paranoia.
i hope jonesie doesn't hate me right now. hrmpppphh... hoping, hoping, hoping.
ughhhh. the way i'm feeling right now, i'd rather jump off a wall and shatter into a million pieces. ...and i wouldn't give a flying shite if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put meekah together again.
things to do:
1. study for algeb test
2. study for the quiz [was too sick to do this yesterday]
3. complete power point presentation for the ip defense
4. read world history things
5. do all the other assignments given today that i still do not know of.
"I have seen,
I have been to places
Far and deep in my mind,
Only to find,
Comfort in your strangeness..."
-Cynthia Alexander
took this picture ages ago... probably the start of 2004. i miss rafael soooo much!
Holy whacamolie!
Ergg… STILL no internet service or phone service. Its so lonely up here in the mountains…
My mind’s about to be split in two… wanna come and watch the gore fest? Bring your own sledge hammer and saw. Muchos gracias.
“Should've said something but I've said it enoughby the way my words were fadedrather waste some time with you…” –‘Blue and Yellow’ by The Used
I am effin’ lonely.
Must be the weather… though the arctic temperature has its perks [e.g. conducive to sleeping the day away instead of slaving around, the best time to eat mushroom soup while watching nonsensical television programs, etcetera, etcetera…] it also has severely depressing effects ==> one of which: it triggers the dreadfully miserable sensation called LONELINESS. Uggh. Nasty business… this lonesome-nimity thing-a-ma-jig. I guess when you’ve experienced the natural high of being “in love,” no other level or kind of happiness could compare.
I am effin’ lonely.
we had a ‘debate’ in world history today… about globalization. Was totally not prepared for it as: 1. I am muchos muchos the worst debater in the history of the freakin universe. 2. I have no idea what the specifs associated with globalization are. Nearly cried… wala lang… bullies! Mwahahaha…
a lot of teachers were absent tah-day. Momentary whoop-di-doo for everyone as we spent the periods wasting away…
there really isn’t much to tell. Or maybe its because I’ve lost all interest in life. Life has become a series of meaningless little stunts that do not in any way bear even a hint of significance and value. Life has become rigorous, insipid, and wearisome. Trapped in a schedule that repeats its self in a redundant and monotonic droll that threatens to stretch on towards the recesses of an unexciting term of eternity… my dreams have ceased to exist.
I wish I could just live life as one big hallucination. One wispy moment to the next… I wouldn’t mind being crazy because then I can escape.
Mergwawah.
“Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?” –Joel in ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’
pnoy home work and report
sleep
sleep
sleep
sleep
took the acet today. Yes the acet. And I can confidently say that I am definitely not going to pass. Gawd. Was a year too early in taking the exam… wehehe… just laughed at some of the questions as I had totally no idea as to how to solve them.
Ate’s real sick. I hope she gets well soon. Sigh… feel so effin’ guilty coz I accidentally left the nice sci calcu in school. Can’t believe I did that. AGAIN. Shize.. but I really really really uber really didn’t mean to! Subra! I was like… you gotta take this home… you just gotta… but noooooeee. I had to be an uber klutz.
Effin’ goodness! our phone lines are still bazoomers! Effin’ crazy! Feel ko talaga nasa bundok kami nakatira coz we’ve lost all contact with the outside worloid. Shizmaykerz. Hope PLDT fixes this soon as I most definitely need to access the internet this week.
Got 2 busy weeks ahead of me. Midterms and finals are coming up. Coupled with the extensive preparations for the J’s night that we gotta do… I’d say that we’re all in for 2 pretty hellish weeks.
Mergwawah. I miss a certain somebody in a certain degree and way. Hope he was here in the r.p. miss him ever so effin’ much. Hate the pnoy Diaspora muchos much. Wala lang… kasi, he’s the one who gives me great advice when I’m in stickzum situations. At saka… I just miss the feelin’ of being loved and in love. Mergwawah. People must think I’m shallow. Well… I am… we all are. We’re all just lonely losers looking for equally lonely souls that could keep us company even for just a few minutos.
Precious moment of the day:
Me [just got out of the ped’s room]: mum, I need to loose four pounds. [silence] Let’s eat ice monster!
"To being an us - for once - instead of a them." --La Vie Boheme from the musicale ‘Rent’
things to do:
1. study for ajss thingy-thingy tomorrow
2. write articles for eng
3. start tessellations thingy for geom.
aah. The best way to warm up your literary spirit before embarking on a never ending torture fest: make an entry in your journal [or in this case, moi’s blog].
Went to a lot of places yesterday with my ip group mates… got to explore the “higher end” of the republic of the Philippines. went to bfad [the people there are just ever so… irksome. è their idea of hospitality was to give us a crusty old book whose contents did not so much as figure in our project’s table of contents] we arrived in Alabang around 9:00 a.m., dropped michelle off at the fiesta mall, got lost for a few decades, and finally found the extremely dilapidated and ancient building of the bureau of food and drugs. We were greeted by two shady lookin’ security guards who asked for some id [can’t believe I forgot my id… dergwawah]. and then proceeded to meet kat’s contact… she was… well… not helpful. Words and phrases such as “confidential” and “not privy to the public” kept on popping up, and I couldn’t help thinking: welcome to the conspiracy el conquistadoreh!
After that muchos muchos unpleasant-slash-nakaka-wasted experience, we drove [well, actually, it was manongerz who did the driving but hey… same difference] back to the fiesta mall to pick up michelle, waited for her for like… forever. And then a whole dramatic, soap-opera-ish scene enfolded which involved the flaring of tempers, the efficiency of sun cellular and the screeching of tires along a beat-up pavement. We decided to stop over power plant first, as our next appointment was still to be at 4:30 in the afternoon. We ate in dulcinea [urgh… though the salpicao was scrumptious I really can’t say that I enjoyed it much. Dergwawah. I think I’m losing my love for food. I AM A TOTAL MADDOE]. What followed after that was a muchos muchos pointless alternating between wandering aimlessly and staring off into spacious interiors. Kat then offered to treat us to a merienda in starbucks, of course we accepted. Ate Belgian waffle w/ caramel syrup [moi’s fave-fave pastry in starbucks, just like chelly friend] and drank coffee of the day [which was good also. Was supposed to order caramel macchiato but… caramel plus caramel is just too…. Caramelly.]
Our last destination for the day was the ajinomoto headquarters in Makati, and boy… did my view on MSG change. Wehehe… the person who entertained us was very muchos helpful, she even gave us some free stuff –equals- effin’ kewl! Hrmm… and then it was time to go home. Bwahaha… this was a wee bit complicated as I did not want mutti or vatti to pick me up anymore since they have this seriously irritating trait of screaming at me or gettin’ all riled up whenever I ask them to get me from here or there. So I decided to commute… from eastwood. Got a cab with jonesie, tal, and donna. [they were sooo supportive and comforting and nice…] They got off at big r. I begged the driver to take me to antipolo, fortunately he didn’t push me out of the taxi. Was palpitating by this time, as I feared for my safety… but the cab guy turned out to be real asteeg. He was an englisero… probably some poor kid who just got outta college and couldn’t find decent work. He was really smart and nice. And I got home in one piece.
Hrrm… slept the whole day mostly. And now, gotta get back to work coz I haf a lotta things to accomplish today. Gawd, still have no idea what physics, logarithms, and schmaydy-heidis are. God help me. OHM…. OHM…
TO ALL THE EFFIN’ JERKS IN THE WORLD:
Don’t let it go to your head! Boys like you are a DIME a dozen, boys like you are a dime a dozen. And I say, you’re a bit OVERRATED, you’re a lush and I HATE it, and these grass stains on your knees, they don’t mean a thing! [muchos muchos salamats to Taking Back Sunday, you guys inspire me to be effin’ spiteful]
“I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me.
I am extraordinary, I’m just your ordinary,
AVERAGE EVERYDAY SANE PSYCHO,
SUPER GODDESS…”
–a real kewl song that nikki-jologs burned for moi. Will ask for the title when next we meet.
the UN-shite-y-est group mates in the wholewideworld!! kat, jonesie, tal, and donna :) where am i? duh. malamang ako ung nagpipicture!
me and jonesie in kat's extremely luxurious automobile. wehehe... jonesie's prettiness accentuates moi's shite-y-ness. hahaha...
fed up with all the incredibly shitey things that society and life has been slamming down my throat. next meal please!
i'm stuck here.
stuck in this demented hell hole, where eternal damnation isn't a firey place of molten rocks and magma. hell is a cold, lonely, isolated place that chills you till you can't even tell the difference between the rock hard saliva that's settled around your wind burned lips and the soft ruffle of ice forming a pool around your frozen boom-booms.
wehehe. don't worry, i'm aware that i am absolutely not making any sense. gawd, didn't know it was possible to be THIS fatigued. emotionally, mentally, and physically.
today was one of the longest days of my life. was awake till around 12:30 midnight as i had to study [even just a bit] for the world histo mid terms, and then there was the case of the missing bathing suit. grr. the elements seemed to have been conspiring against me. swimming wasn't entirely shite-eee, though it seemed as if we were doomed to freeze to death in the 0-degree-temperature water, i actually enjoyed this session ==>> as i have somehow finally [and miraculously] learned how to do the full breast stroke. i am a turd, hit me now.
the career talk was actually helpful. finally discarded the idea of taking up MBB ===>> it finally dawned on me that i do not have the patience to study for 10 long years, all alone in a stinky, damp laboratory, memorizing the phylum, genus, and watchamacolits of a being that i wouldn't [most probably] be able to see [in this lifetime] anyway. i also don't like bloody thingy-thingies so. MALAMANG... ^_^
i've given a lot of thought to taking up media production and advertising & public relations. don't know which would be my major though... but IF ever i go to ateneo, this might be my course. or i might choose a minor that's connected to business... para naman may kaunting utak sa kursong kukunin ko. hrrmm.... wanna take up psychology too, since it can be a pre-med/pre-law. but still... what if tamarin akong magcontinue to law? i don't think the philippines needs many psychologists... hrrmm, guess i'll have to think of another course.
aarggh... still clueless as to what i REALLY wanna be in the all too near future. but i am SURE of one thing: I WANT TO BE FILTHY RICH. [who doesn't?] and if i don't get into a nice cool or get a nice course, there's always plastic surgery and my... charms? hehe...
i'm excited na for tomorrow! we're gonna go to makati and alabang and shang for our ip. excited shmited! weeeeeeeh! no school for meekah!
"stars and dreams are only as distant as you allow them to be." -random thought that entered my mind one day when i drifted into the higher [or is it lower??] plane of catatonia.
things to do:
1. STD awareness campaign video for world histo
2. study for world histo MQT
3. study for advanced algeb quiz
4. study for chem quiz
5. follow up on prom preps
6. study for acet thingy
7. be happy!
hahahohoheheho! can't believe its wednesday already. tempus fugit!!!! parang kahapon lang i was uber frustrated about something, pero now... hehe. totally gagging over it. fo sho mga pare!!! can't believe how ever so irksome i got regarding that thingy thingy. i must be getting el desperado if i keep on thinking such thoughts.
in any case, am totally gonna follow hot papa anton estrada's [yeh kua anton is the best!] advice. stay away meekah! stay away from the... thingy thingy. hehehe.
got to have a "heart to heart" talk with ate yesterday. we started by cursing each other. actually... i think i was the only one cursing, since i'm the only one who actually knows HOW to curse in the family. i was going: "you're such a bitch! grr... f****** world!" and she was like: "i hate it when you say the f word." and i was like: "i said f******world, not f*** you. take offense when i say f*** you." she said: "ah, ok." and then i started crying.
dunno actually what triggered the sudden hyperactivity of my tearducts. stress probably, and frustration. dad has been so friggin unreasonable the whole week, and he n' mum keep on giving me the: "you are the spawn of the devil -slash- walang kwenta kang anak" look. geez. not to be boastful but i do believe that some parents would kill to have me as their daughter... i don't do drugs, i don't have casual sex, i don't have illegal relationships, i don't steal, i don't cheat, i don't fail in school, and i don't kill people. what more can they ask?!
grr-ness.
deng. i miss inna. wasn't able to talk to her that much today. and i miss avin too. he keeps me sane... well, he used to.
grr-ness.
utter grr-ness.
ooh. this is gonna sound so cheesy but hey, it was the only appropriate song i could think of. ho come on! alangan naman mama i love you by the spice girls di bah??
"So I walked under a bus,
I got hit by a train,
Keep falling in love,
Which is kinda the same,
I've sunk out at sea,
Crashed my car,
gone insane,
And it felt so good
I want to do it again"
-Bachelor Girl
day 3 of the "waiting period" a.k.a. last chance for anything
it won't happpen, i just know it won't. but knowing and accepting are two different things.
i've said over and over that i shouldn't really be bothered by this.
i need to pee.
^_^
hmm... things are looking up.
1. the girls and i are planning an outing with their prom dates sometime next, next week [after the finals].
2. my grades are getting a bit higher, and i'm able to focus better on my studies.
3. i've found some ways on how to review for the acet thingy this sunday.
4. the preparations for the juniors' night are coming together.
5. my dad didn't scream at me today [well... he's not home yet, so i gather that's the reason why]
hmm.. 5 is a nice round number.
so why am i not happy? why am i not satisfied?
dergwaah. i will be. i will be. soon, i'll find my smile again.
"Julianne: I'm pond scum. Well, lower actually. I'm like the fungus that feeds on pond scum.
Michael: Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum. On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. It's pretty flattering.
Julianne: Except it makes me fungus."
-My Best Friend's Wedding by Julia Roberts
waiting for a miracle...
just got home. hair's in shambles. my head's all over the place. and i think i'm gonna die of a severe headache [or pwede na rin heartache. wehehe. i am SO joking]...
things i have yet to accomplish:
1. fix stuff to bring for chem lab tomorrow: cotton white shirt; 5-10 rubber bands
2. read pp. 204-209 for xtian doctrine
3. a.k. reflection about the pub school teaching
4. study for pnoy MQT on wednesday
5. write my eng articles which are due on wednesday
6. start the vid presentation for world histo
7. read pp. 193 onwards for our reporting in pnoy
8. start my tesselations for geom
9. concoct an agenda for tomorrow's meeting
10. follow up on invites, bg, tables, etc. for the prom
11. study for the acet on sunday?? [grr!!! grr!! how the hell am i supposed to master physics, trigo, and other shitey things by sunday?! du-oh! i hate my life.]
12. forget... that thingy thingy i'm supposed to forget.
>>head ache and brain ache courtesy of the following very considerate beings: ms. magtaas, ms. reyes, ms. lax, sir mits, prom, and ajss people. i love the world.
[sigh]
so many things tah do, so little time, so little of me. i heard some pretty nasty things about ningascugon guy today from my ust buds. not good. definitely not good. but i must also follow mutti's advice: do not believe everything you hear. bka protective lang talaga sila kuaz and atez. anyway, that's none of my biz anymore as i have decided to drop the matter all together and just face him come prom night. [meaning i shall not invite him when the barkada goes out with their dates for a bit of bonding time] i have also promised to myself that i shall donate P100 to the sacrifice box everytime i mention his name [this shall start tomorrow]. so i'm pretty much just about exhausting every single topic that is associated with him so that tomorrow i won't commit the absoltue boo boo of saying his name.
grr... this is what happens when you concentrate on just one guy. you become too serious and too.... too! must collect and select. must create harem. must rent out extremely greasy macho dancers who can... dance all night? eewwww. hehe. yes, yes. shall apply this theory at this very moment. lesser risk of heart break.
"at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time..."
-Alanis Morissette, "That Particular Time"
but still TOTALLY all right.
i loved this song the moment i heard the first few chords of the melody. and i loved it even more as time came to pass since it was very much applicable to more than just a few instances in my life. here's an excerpt:
"What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god.
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin.
How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed?
And how long can a girl be haunted by you?
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name.
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name..."
-Alanis Morisette
-CLE articles - uber done
2 about sci and tech
1 global new article
-Algeb H.W. -uber uber done
-World Histo: read lesson 5 -done
-English Articles - haven't even started yet
-World Histo Group Proj - researching for it right now
-Letter to the A-Team - mayamaya na
-Tessalations - wehehe
-review for AJSS - i perused my sister's old expert guides stuffies and i was like... ooh shite, i am
so dead!
things i'm thinking about:
-what's gonna happen tomorrow?
-why do men take forever to reply to a single text message?
-infatuation is a 16 year old girl's curse
in any case, i must return to work, as i still live in the real world--sadly.
namromroblema si meekah...
[Spanish/French/Russian/Mexican Accent]
Joaquin Faustino Lopez-Tan. hmm... i'm not even sure if i remember all of his names or if i even remember correctly the ones i think/believe i remember... hahehaheheha.
preprom night was... better than expected. i had prepared my self for the worst--an evil sonofa...mother, a jerk, a drug addict, an obnoxious airhead. but nothing could have prepared me for chino.
...he was nice. well... nicer than any other guy i've met [except for kuya bri who's like... the epitome of asteegness. but he really doesn't count since he's ate's friend not mine]. he was such a gentleman--courteous, sweet, caring, and thoughtful [1. he opened the car door for moi 2. bought me drinks and sorbetes ==> yes there wuz zorbetez in the partei 3. bought sorbetes for my friends AND their dates 4. was game enough to play truth or dare with my barkada <<==inna, someday i WILL strangle you in your sleep 5. was very concerned with tasia <<== she wasn't feeling well 6. kept on telling me not to finish my drink as i may not feel well the following day (which is to-day) 7. shook hands with and greeted every single person i introduced him to 8. talked to my friends' date (he got along well with ze butch-er-oid) 9. made-hawi all the plants and bushes that were in the way 10. never leaves me alone (except when he has to go to the loo) 11. got a chair for andy as she and nica were sharing a single chair and he observed zat zei were a vit uncomfortab-le) 12. when mutti arrived he asked moi to stay in ze clubhouse's entranz und RAN (yes, RAN. i remember justin saying: oy, pucha tumatakbo para sa yo oh!) to his el camino to get this flower he bought for moi 13. kissed moi (cheek smackerz only. fu-leease. i zoo not do funny kizzy-kizzy bizness) uft-ah he gave me ze flowe-er 14. walked me to mutti's car (which was all the way in ze ozer side of the... sider ==>>sometimes mutti can be SO transparent) 15. said good night and kissed me [of course, cheek smackerz once again] before i got in the car 16. texted me when he got home to say thank you too and good night again]
so... its quite obvious zat he is muchos muchos sweet and very muchos muchos romantic material. BUT. hrmm...
[accents stop here]
[back to normal mode]
i just wish we could talk about a whole lot more stuff. we... always run out of things to say. and there were... awkward silences. muchos awkward [wherein we look around, zen we accidentally look at each other and for lack of something substantial to say, we just zmile].
he's not the type of person to really intiate conversation or supply topics to dwell upon. he's more of the, ask-me-anything-and-i'll-just-answer type of guy. he's not madaldal. and that's actually a bad thing since i tend to be really quiet around guys i don't know that much. [especially if they're NOT the prospects/boy friends of my buddies]. sigh...
i hope. i hope. i hope. i don't fall for him. as i am sure i am muchos muchos NOT his type of girl.
erggg... stomach not good. i don't think butterflies and alcohol mix well... i want to throw up. throw up, throw up, throw up... till my guts spill out and i look like an anorexic model...
huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait! he said.. he said.. talk to you tomorrow. ...what does THAT mean??
"and you can slit my throat, and with my last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt" -Taking Back Sunday
<12:40>
shite.
just came from the family council meeting, was coerced into giving an impromptu update/report regarding the Juniors' Night [was shaking to the tips of my toes as Sr. Carla and the fam coun president were there. grrrr.]
went straight to my room when we got home and checked my telly. received 3 messages[nearly got a heart attack coz of excitement and kilig chills]. hahoheheho. this incident only proves that i am a pathetic, stinking freakazoid, wishful thinker. 2 of the messages came from globe [yehess, ultimate text mate!] and the other from ali. yes, my heart plummeted to my nether regions and i finally took off the pink shades covering my eyes.
absolute shite.
i'd say that this has a 100% concentration of absolute shiteness.
"talk to you tomorrow." ==> not to be confused with ==> "i want to talk to you some more."
"let's talk tomorrow" is just a polite statement. nobody means it when they say it. [especially men. especially men like him.]
grr... sigh... grr...
murder me now, have pity on my restless soul.
wanna cry but i can't. depressed and feeling utterly lonely. dejected and sad. but i need to be realistic. i need to remind my self that i am an obese, short, ugly, awkward adolescent and no boy in his right mind would like me for who i am. i am stupid, not fun to be with, evil. and i will die a virgin. YEAH! MABUHAY ANG TEORYANG NATURALISMO AT EKSISTENTYALISMO!
he does not like me. he does not care for me. its all just a ruse. pretense. a facade.
ITS NOT REAL.
HE'S NOT REAL.
DON'T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF.
OR YOU'LL
FALL
FLAT
ON
YOUR
...
HINNY.
Giselle Mikhaela Crisostomo Enriquez, what the hell have you been thinking for the past 12 hours?! utter nonsense! stop it! you must cease and desist at once!
[==>> tears start to fall somewhere around here <<==]
shiteness. i am so fucking dramatic. but really...
ahaay. bahala na. i've known him for what? 12 hours? and already i'm going gaga over this just coz he's the first non relative of mine guy to ever kiss me on the cheek? just coz he's the only guy i know who actually pulls my chair before i sit down? the world is full of men like him. guys like him are a dime a dozen. gallantry and chivalry are overrated.
this thing... is just... new to me.
that's why...
i'm so affected.
BAKIT BA AKO NAAPEKTUHAN?! EH SIYA NGA FEELING KO NI HINDI NIYA AKO INIISIP! PUTEK, BAKA NGA PINAGTATAWANAN PA AKO NUN EH! i hate this. i hate this feeling...
stop.
must think positive.
i am pretty! oh so pretty! i am pretty, and witty, and gay!
du-uh! bakit ko ba gustong makipagusap sa kanya? eh its so awkward naman, speaking to him. its so freakin' difficult to watch every single freakin word that comes outta your mouth, so freakin' hard to check that every single text message makes sense. poo-tah talaga!
and as if may gusto naman akong sabihin sa kanaya anu-oh!
...i dreamt last night that i went to the prom with aidz coz chino backed out at the last minute. i asked aidz, "why aren't guys attracted to me?" i didn't hear him answer.
"she said: 'i've gotta be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishing round here.'and i said 'you must be mistaken, cause i'm not fooling...this feeling is real'she said...she said: 'you gotta be crazy, what do you take me for...some kind of easy mark?'you've got wits...you've got looks, you've got passion but i swear that you've got me all wrong.
all wrong, all wrong...but you've got me."
-Dashboard Confessional
<13:14>
toot toot.
"ayy. may nagtext..?"
i'm so proud of my barkada. they took "it" without a word of complaint, without whinning, without creating the most melodramatic and equally fantastically fictional scenes their beautiful minds can conjure.
...there's just too much shite happening these days. i'm finding it ever so difficult to cope. with all that's occurring i--we--are all forced [yes, that's the most appropriate word for this situation] to mature, to grow up.
didn't "they" tell us to savor our childhood? to not try the "adult stuff" yet? well, this certainly is a fairly huge dose of "adult stuff" for me already.
for once [in the risk of sounding like a spoiled little brat who was born a bitch and has been raised to become a professional mean girl], for just once, i don't want to think about anybody else, anything else. i don't want to think about the consequences of my actions, or the effects that they can induce. i want to focus on having fun, on being happy, and on finding satisfaction. haven't i done enough? i've bled my self dry. <<==[this actually IS quite literal as when i have my menstrual period, i have it only for a few days and there are but tiny droplets of bloodoe that come out. the doctor explains this phenomenon the usual way any doctor would explain it: stress. yes. stress. kills. that's why i've died a hundred times over]
somebody save me from this hell hole! i'm bound to be stuck here forever... take me away. i want to be a kid. just for once, i want to be able to act my age. just for a few minutes...
if ever i were to own an answering machine, i'll use this quote vertabrim:
"Leave your conscience at the tone." --What You Own [from the Broadway Musical, RENT]
definitely no longer searching for utopia, an ergaslophobic student and aspiring thespian, a true blue Filipina and Assumptionist, existing in a state of utter discombobulation, *BROKE*, and fattening myself up in time for the next human sacrifice ritual in tondo, manila...
Stars and Nebulas
aLi
bea
cathy
caMs
[[twinstaR]]
[[fRienD]]
kaTrina
gaDDi
iSSa
jOnesie
[[myky]]
[[nica]]
pam
[[stephie]]
synty
[[tasia]]
trizza
wissa
Flight
Alanis Morissette
Carbon Stereoxide Studio Notes
Cold Play
Dashboard Confessional
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Haruki Murakami
Milk&Cereal
Miss Saigon
Paulo Coelho
Rent - the Musicale
Shawn Mullins
System of a Down
The Simpsons
The Sims
The Used
::Credits::
Image By:
|j3concepts|
Layout By:
|Niknoi|
||December 2004
|January 2005
|February 2005
|March 2005
|April 2005
|May 2005
|June 2005
==:::A Few Friendly Reminders from your Resident Sane Psycho:::==
life is an unequivocally fast paced string of events, where the essence of a lifetime can be captured in a single breath, love can develop in a second, and where a long journey can feel like just another ride in the metro rail...
so put on your pink tinted glasses, wear your cheesiest smile. life's too short and much too precious to waste with the frivolities of a shallow existence.
let's limbo!
change is the only constant thing in life.
though it is most difficult to cope with change, we must.
it is survival. it is evolution.
but then again,
what if this change is brought about by paranormal sensations and emotions, unforeseen circumstances, hormonal imbalances, and... the weather?
what if this change is caused by things that are not things. forces that are immaterial?
how do we cope?
how do we end the relentless and crazed see-saw of intense emotions churning deep within us?
how do we stop misery?
how do we prolong happiness?
with a four millimeter bullet?
with a cup of peppermint-tasting cyanide?
with prayer?
i don't know.
i can't even begin to pretend to know, or to comprehend.
and i'm sure,
neither can you.
and it scares me.
it scares us.
that this we cannot understand.
everything else --science, mathematics, ratios, proportions, wars, peace talks, chocolate sprinkles and gum drops, ponies and rabbits, Nobel awards-- we know.
but this,
this simple shift of light and darkness,
this slight distinction,
this sudden rearranging of matter, molecules, and sensations.
this indescribable phenomena.
this we cannot even begin to grasp.
illogical, senseless, strange, odd.
fleeting, momentous, gargantuan, colossal.
what is the meaning behind this change in mood? in feeling?
what is the real root? the common cause?
perhaps we have been doomed to be this way.
to not understand.
to be left in the dark.
doomed to be able to adapt with everything else but this simple swing.
this simplistic issue.
never to find a way to evolve around it.
but perhaps.... in this case,
evolution is not survival.
for if you can just grin and bear it.
take it for what it is.
let go of the logic behind it.
perhaps then, survival is possible.
change is not imperative.
accepting is a prerogative, the answer, the key.
