lumalamig na ang panahon. dumadalas na ang pagulan. dumadami na ang mga babala para sa mga paparating na bagyo...
maraming masarap gawin sa isang araw na maulan; isang araw na wala kang magawa sa buhay kung hindi manatili sa loob ng bahay. manood ng telebisyon, makinig sa radyo, magbasa ng libro, kumain ng molo...
mahaba ang listahan. hindi mabilang ang mga posibilidad.
ngunit sino nga bang Pilipino ang may panahon pa para gawin ang mga ito? sa panahon ng krisis at paghihirap bilang na ang mga taong pinagpala, mga taong hindi na kailangan pang lumabas sa kanilang mga tirahan at makipagsapalaran sa mundo para kumita ng ikabubuhay.
hunyo nanaman.
umuulan nanaman, at walang kasing haba ang pila ng mga commuter sa may sakayan.
tahimik. walang nagiingay. ang natatanging mga tunog na bumabasag sa katahimikang ito ay ang pagiyak ng isang sanggol, ang busina ng mga di makapaghintay na mga motoritang nasa gitna ng traffic, at ang malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan.
tahimik. walang nagiingay.
walang nagiingay dahil lahat kami ay pagod na. mga nilalang na nagmula sa samo't-saring mga lugar; cubao, katipunan, makati, mandaluyong, manila. mga nilalang na patungo sa samo't-saring mga destinasyon; marikina, antipolo, taytay, binangonan.
hindi gumagalaw ang pila. mahigit tatlumpung minuto na akong naghihintay. mahigit tatlumpung minuto na akong nilalamig. at mahigit tatlumpung minuto na akong nagiisa.
ngunit hindi ako nalulumbay.
kasama ko ang aking sarili; at matagal tagal na rin mula nang kami ay magkausap.
ito ang kagandahan ng pagcocommute ng magisa. sa loob ng ilang sandali maari kang bumalik sa iyong orihinal na sarili. walang pakealam sa mundong pumapalibot sa iyo. walang mga taong pumapansin, walang mga taong kailangang pansinin.
ito ang kagandahan ng pagcocomute ng magisa. nakikita mo ang mundo, at sa ilang sandali, walang pumapanood sa iyo.
hunyo nanaman.
umuulan nanaman.
nagtaas nanaman ang presyo ng petrolyo. nagtaas nanaman ang singil sa pasahe. tatlumpung piso paakyat ng antipolo mula sa sakayan.
ang buhay nga naman pag mahirap. ang buhay nga naman sa totoong mundo...
tuloy pa rin ang pagbuhos ng ulan. hindi titigil sa malapit na hinaharap. buhol buhol ang traffic sa kahabaan ng marcos highway. bangaan? baha? may nasiraan ba? walang gumagalaw na sasakyan. walang maaring gumalaw na sasakyan.
at wala ring umiimik sa loob ng FX. maliban sa mga mahinang, "bayad po," walang nagsasalita sa mga pasaherong katabi ko. hindi ko maintindihan ang tugtugin sa radyo. halo ng static, ingay ng ulan, at ng hindi maikakailang ka-jologan ng kanta, hindi ko ito makilala, hindi ko masabayan, ni hindi ko man lang mahuni.
tapos na ang paguusap namin ng aking sarili. nakamusta ko na ang aking pagkatao. hindi pa naman ako nababaliw, hindi pa naman ako nawawala sa landas ng katinuan. walang magawa, sa ilang saglit, ako'y mapapapikit na.
isang ginoong may bitbit na batang babae.
nagmamadali.
wala siyang payong.
nababasa siya. nababasa ang batang kanyang karga.
mabilis na sumakay sa jeepney sa aming harap. nakipagsiksikan, tiniis na maging isa sa mga isdang sardinas sa loob ng isang maliit na lata.
umiiyak ang bata. nagaalburato. sa lamig? sa gutom? sa takot? sa pagod? hindi ko malaman. at hindi rin malaman ng ginoong bumubuhat sa kanya kanina.
mag-ama.
mag-amang di magkasundo, ngayon, nagtatawanan na. karga na muli ng ginoo ang bata.
ah, kaya pala siya umiiyak.
ang yakap ng isang ama.
iyon lang pala.
balik ang atensyon sa loob ng FX. "bayad na ho, malapit na ho tayo sa bayan" sabi ng manong driver na tila malapit nang pumanaw sa kapaguran. "para ho diyan sa tabi manong" ang sagot ko. narito na kami sa aking subdivision.
huminto sa tabi ang FX. inisip ko kung akin bang sasabihin sa mamang driver, "stress kills, manong." ngunit di bale na lang. mukhang malayo pa naman sa bingit ng kamatayan ang mamang iyon.
baba mula sa FX.
umuulan pa rin.
walang payong.
walang jacket.
takbo tawid sa kabilang kalsada. ilang minuto na lang ako'y makakauwi na.
...ang yakap ng isang ama.
...ang pagmamahal ng isang pamilya.
iyon lang naman, di ba?
hunyo nanaman, umuulan nanaman. mahaba ang pila sa sakayan, mataas ang singil sa pasahe, buhol buhol ang traffic sa lahat ng lugar. mahirap man magcommute pauwi, marami ang gumagawa.
hindi dahil masarap ang biyahe, o masaya. hindi dahil sa ito na ang pinakamadaling paraan ng paguwi. hindi dahil sa mahirap maglakad. kung hindi...
dahil walang makapapantay sa ligaya na umuwi sa isang mapagmahal na pamilya.
ang yakap ng mga nagmamahal.
iyon lang naman kasi.
~*~
i've been meaning to write this piece for quite some time now, and for some reason, i just haven't gotten to it. i guess i haven't really had the chance to just sit down and give my full attention to writing a decent piece of lit. or maybe, i've had the chance, i've had the time, i just simply chose to attend to something less important, but at that time, it seemed the only thing that really MEANT something and figured in my world.
its been a while since i've had a "talk" with my self. and now i have the perfect introverted moment.
i'm all alone in the house. well... at least, here in the upper floor. my tito's downstairs, making sure we don't get robbed. SIGH. so this is how it feels to be alone, but not quite ever so lonely.
i've been too caught up in so many things. so many relationships, so many irrelevant details and facts and tidbits and stupidities. too caught up. i've overlooked so many simple wonders. the joy of thinking without having to voice out what it is you're thinking about. the freedom to do whatever it is that you wish to, without thought whatsoever as to how you'll look like or seem. the privilege to say what's in your heart, though no one's listening, though no one's there. being a fool in everyone's eyes. everybody else except yourself.
loneliness hovers, and threatens to take over. i push it away gently. not yet, please. not now, at least. let this moment be, for once, mine to cherish.
~*~
a few seconds after re-reading what i've written down...
me: well, have i ever seemed more moronic? ...sadly, i don't think so.
and after a long winter, everything's sliding back to a perfect state of 'normality'...
=)
smile for meekah!
the sun's coming through...
*what's blaring over the sound waves?: the soft pitter patter of rain on the roof tops... and carrie underwood and bo bice's rock steady vocals.
*weather?: very cloudy skies with more than just a few scattered rain showers.
*feeling...?: desperately needing to hibernate
~*~
thoughts.
questions.
doubts.
they swirl and twirl in the fluid flow of my chaotic mind.
thoughts,
questions,
doubts...
prevent me from reaching out to you.
thoughts.
answers.
reasons.
escape me, escape my grasp.
thoughts,
answers,
reasons,
leave me dumbfounded, lost, clueless, and down...
~*~
wouldn't it be more merciful if you just tore my heart out and fed it to the dogs?
or ask your fairy god mother to turn me into a rock. cold, indifferent, unfeeling.
i've gotten to that point where its just so much more painful to hold on to you than let you go.
you're hurting me.
and you have absolutely,
no
idea.
the sound of your laughter cruelly cuts into the haze and mess that is my life.
you sit there, nonchalant, charming in your apathy and impasiveness,
and as the tears make their way down my face,
you flash a smile and say,
"okay lang?"
EH KUNG TADYAKAN KAYA KITA!!!!
bull.
yeah... can't even write decent shit right now.
~*~
obviously, i'm not ever so happy with my life.
and for once i will not say, 'what the hey, shit happens.'
shit should NOT happen.
oh god...
~*~
i die a little, each time i see you...
make it stop.
i am begging you.
please...
and maybe, just maybe... you'll stop taking me for granted.
what's on the idiot box? : meteor garden (yes, i am obscenely addicted to sappy chinovelas)
what's blaring over the sound waves? : love alone by caedmon's call
where am i? : hrmm... let's try, the frigid depths of hell perhaps?
where am i physically? : home (where supposedly, the heart resides)
CRAP.
ain't reality such a party pooper??
i was supposed to go to three gimmicks this week: starwars3 with ahiya earl, lunch and movie with the kada and twin, and overnight at my best friend's house. here's what happend:
gimmick number 1: doomed from the very start. ahiya earl texted me sometime late last night asking me whether i could go with him to watch starwars in gateway. i knew that there was no way in hell that my mother and father would allow me to go in such short notice so i kidded around and told ahiya earl: basta ba ipaalam mo ko sa parental units (both of them, by the way, seem to have reached the menopausal stage. YES. even vatti.), at ihatid sundo mo ko dito sa bundoks. AND HE SAID AYT. oh well... it seemed too good to be true anyway. vatti nearly ate my head off when i told him about it. so there. short lived moment of happiness.
gimmick number 2: i had at least hoped that my father would hear me out on this one. but of course, being the paranoid (yet very loving) father that he is... he said NO even before i had the opportunity to open my mouth to tell him about this gimmick. actually, he told me to choose between my sunday lakad and this one... and being the very loving friend that i am, i chose to stick with the sunday lakad since that one came first.
gimmick number 3: EVERYTHING. and i mean EVERYTHING seemed to be all set already. i had asked my parents a week in advance for permission to sleep over chelly's house saturday night, then sunday morning til afternoon i'd go to the manila polo club with her to watch her soccer game(s). mutti had already said YES, even vatti seemed to be ayt with the idea. but HEY... reality's a bitch right? ...hindi na daw tuloy ung game.
so here i am left with nothing much to look forward to for the next few days. GREAT.
~*~
boy... do i feel like crap right now or what?!
have you ever felt so god damned unhappy that you wanted to tear all your hair out and jump off a building?!
yup.
CRAP.
right.
never thought...
in a million years...
that i would ever...
EVER...
find myself in...
an...
INTERNET CAFE.
mwahahahaha...
ahh... the lovely experience of placing one's fingers over a more-than-just-a-bit-filthy-key-board that has been caressed and touched by a million other people infected with god knows what. hahahaha... i sound like such a conotic weirdoe right now... ishouldbeshot! [ookay, the person beside me's screaming: pare! pasali naman diyan, 3 on 3! sige na!!! hinahamon ko kayoooo!!!] << [i wonder what they're playing? counter strike?? ragnarok? ? nyahahaha... 've never been much of the gaming type...]
since i have nothing better to do i shall use this time to rant and rave like a freakin effed up lunatic.
hinanakit sa mundo number 1: why the hell do i keep on getting fatter? i mean... ayt ayt, i DO eat like an effin pig, but hey!!! grr. dem it. must must muchos must save money for lipo. herm... dra. belo, when can i drop by your clinic?
hinanakit sa mundo number 2: why the hell am i SO effin small?! a while ago, we were answering some exercises for our english class and i was tasked to write my answer somewhere along the northern most regions of the blackboard. my classmates were laughing and crap, saying: oyy, you need a stool dear... GRRMMM... WHATEVER!! SMALL PEOPLE ARE CUTE RIN NAMAN EH! hehehehe...
hinanakit sa mundo number 3: why is my mother OHWAYS late? ohways, ohways, ohways late! for the love of creation, you'd think she'd want me to get home safely!
hinanakit sa mundo number 4: why do people who suddenly become extra thin think they're better than the rest of us? aba, aba, aba... payat ka nga dear, panget ka naman... divuh? a pretty face is much better than one that's four sizes too small.
aryt. must stop sounding like a whiner. HRRMMM... I AM A POSITIVE THINKER I AM A POSITIVE THINKER I AM A POSITIVE THINKER.
denggit.
hormones...
~*~
i had quite an interesting day today. i left home a bit early since i was (once again) riding with vatti. i arrived in expert guides around seven thirty, and was surprised to see that nica and steph were already there. apparently, they had placed a bet the previous day that whoever shall arrive late will treat the 'kada lunch food. NICE.
our professor arrived late so i had some snooze time before class started. i was actually kind of relieved that we had english today because i wasn't really able to get much sleep last night. good thing we tackled a subject that isn't ever so brain bashing, if it had been math 3 or 4, i wouldn't be alive to key in this entry right now... class wasn't eventful, we had 2 tests (one for reading comprehension -- muder murder murder; and another to evaluate whether we actually listened to the lecture -- double murder murder murder), some exercises, and class crap. won't ever forget the time madame teresa threw a pochi at our classmate. nyahahaha... wala lang... benta mahn...
mutti's kinda exhausted right now, she's been running around the metro trying to finalize the details for the luncheon we'll be hosting this coming thursday for chai nita. hrrmm... i think we're having lechon. ooh-la-la. CALORIES!!!
there really isn't much to write about, cept that i've been feeling unusually crappy these past few days. frustration coupled with poorly concealed ire can drive a person insane. i should know... i'm barely holding on to reason and clarity! hahaha.
~*~
i've decided on what to actually do about hinanakit sa mundo number 5 (which i did not bother to elaborate on).
i'm going to stop holding back.
it's time to let go of the fears and doubts and questions.
no use holding back.
gotta let go...
~*~
high point of the day: my best friend chelly dropped by at big r and gave me the pasalubong she bought for me when she went to baguio with cherry's family. yum yum! strawberries and choco flakes!!! can't wait to gulp em all down! hahahaha. :)
~*~
don't really know how to end this entry. and since i have no idea, and i'm feeling much too lazy to google up a kick ass quote or song, i'll leave it like this. hanging, unfinished... tomorrow's soon enough to write another saddoe entry...
life has become, at least for my part, an unequivocally fast paced string of events, where the essence of a lifetime can be captured in a single breath, love can develop in a second, and where a long journey can feel like just another ride in the metro rail... (hahaha, what an anticlimactic end to a semi-well written sentence) With my campaign buddy via, and my ka-fudgebarkada inna, during a much needed time out in a talk about saving mother nature. hahaha! My "Extended Family" in the girl's dorm during the last night of the 6 day youth eco camp! [from left - right, top - bottom: cathy from st. paul pasig, via a fellow assumptionista, bea also from st. paul and twin sister of cathy, dolly from sacred heart academy cebu, rachel an incoming freshie in the ateneo, inna our dear president, me, megalaur from st. john's institute bacolod, jackie who's also from s.h.a. cebu, casey a member of the bacolod delegation, abby from st. scholastica's bacolod, and lianne from de lasalle bacolod] Ate and I... hiding from the harmful UV rays!!! Swimming in highlands with the family :) fun fun fun! hanging out with my bestest friend in the whole wide world in galleria! hahaha, funny faces!!!!! ~*~ g: "ang pagligaw, hindi na inaanounce pa, or dinedeklara... ginagawa." g: "funny how our lives have been occupied by such numerous quantities of essential nothings lately." g: "you slept all afternoon, and you're still sleepy?? hahaha. you remind me of me, 'cept i've been stuffing myself full the whole day but i'm STILL hungry. haha." g: anong minus the boobies? meron ka kaya!!! ahahahahahahah.g: size ano ka nga pala? 50Z? :)) k: what women should know is a push up bra is better than implants and enlargers... g: =)) AMEN TO THAT! =)) lets spread the word pare! =)) k: =)) ayt ayt :)) ~*~ supposedly somewhere in between those two monumental events, we are NOT alone.
basically, i've just stated my excuse as to why i haven't been posting lengthy entries lately. hahaha, yes, life and time (for that matter) goes by FAST. moments can escape you by the breadth of a single hair strand... memories can be easily forgotten, as there are just ever so many that one has to remember in the first place...
that's why i love pictures :D kodak moments, ika nga ng commercial. they immortalize the feeling of a moment, giving us the exquisite and di mapapantayang joy and pleasure of reliving a treasured point in our lives.
and i have quite a few to share...
(ano ba toh, i'm talking like one of those announcer people in the mall... *your favorite mall jingle, insert here*)
ever so quotable quotes for the time being:
1. while chatting with jusjus sy
2. talking to a friend i miss so much, catch from pcpge :)
3. chatting with mike who wants people to eat_his_zhorts:
4. chatting with kit, who is a certified DOM. hahaha, sorry dude, but that is just so so true!
sabi nila we are born in this world alone, and we leave it, again as individuals isolated from the warmth of another human being's touch.
so... why am i feeling so lonely?
definitely no longer searching for utopia, an ergaslophobic student and aspiring thespian, a true blue Filipina and Assumptionist, existing in a state of utter discombobulation, *BROKE*, and fattening myself up in time for the next human sacrifice ritual in tondo, manila...
Stars and Nebulas
aLi
bea
cathy
caMs
[[twinstaR]]
[[fRienD]]
kaTrina
gaDDi
iSSa
jOnesie
[[myky]]
[[nica]]
pam
[[stephie]]
synty
[[tasia]]
trizza
wissa
Flight
Alanis Morissette
Carbon Stereoxide Studio Notes
Cold Play
Dashboard Confessional
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Haruki Murakami
Milk&Cereal
Miss Saigon
Paulo Coelho
Rent - the Musicale
Shawn Mullins
System of a Down
The Simpsons
The Sims
The Used
::Credits::
Image By:
|j3concepts|
Layout By:
|Niknoi|
||December 2004
|January 2005
|February 2005
|March 2005
|April 2005
|May 2005
|June 2005
==:::A Few Friendly Reminders from your Resident Sane Psycho:::==
life is an unequivocally fast paced string of events, where the essence of a lifetime can be captured in a single breath, love can develop in a second, and where a long journey can feel like just another ride in the metro rail...
so put on your pink tinted glasses, wear your cheesiest smile. life's too short and much too precious to waste with the frivolities of a shallow existence.
let's limbo!
change is the only constant thing in life.
though it is most difficult to cope with change, we must.
it is survival. it is evolution.
but then again,
what if this change is brought about by paranormal sensations and emotions, unforeseen circumstances, hormonal imbalances, and... the weather?
what if this change is caused by things that are not things. forces that are immaterial?
how do we cope?
how do we end the relentless and crazed see-saw of intense emotions churning deep within us?
how do we stop misery?
how do we prolong happiness?
with a four millimeter bullet?
with a cup of peppermint-tasting cyanide?
with prayer?
i don't know.
i can't even begin to pretend to know, or to comprehend.
and i'm sure,
neither can you.
and it scares me.
it scares us.
that this we cannot understand.
everything else --science, mathematics, ratios, proportions, wars, peace talks, chocolate sprinkles and gum drops, ponies and rabbits, Nobel awards-- we know.
but this,
this simple shift of light and darkness,
this slight distinction,
this sudden rearranging of matter, molecules, and sensations.
this indescribable phenomena.
this we cannot even begin to grasp.
illogical, senseless, strange, odd.
fleeting, momentous, gargantuan, colossal.
what is the meaning behind this change in mood? in feeling?
what is the real root? the common cause?
perhaps we have been doomed to be this way.
to not understand.
to be left in the dark.
doomed to be able to adapt with everything else but this simple swing.
this simplistic issue.
never to find a way to evolve around it.
but perhaps.... in this case,
evolution is not survival.
for if you can just grin and bear it.
take it for what it is.
let go of the logic behind it.
perhaps then, survival is possible.
change is not imperative.
accepting is a prerogative, the answer, the key.